OMG the bible

"You're gonna want to take a seat for this one..."

Okay, ready? Here we go-

  We've all heard atheists, wiccans and douchebags comment their opinion on the bible in a loud annoying high pitched voice (my personal interpretation) and they love to tell us (IE everyone within a mile's hearing distance) that christitanity is stupid, that religion is stupid and its all too unreal to be real (cause goddessess and wands are MUCH more likely) and they usually quote things from the bible as their "proof" of the stupidity of it all.

Common things they like to exploit from the Bible in their offensive attack:

  *The Rapture
*Satan/Lucifer (that red horned devil!)
*Angels
*Adam and Eve
*The snake (see above)
*Hell
*Heaven
*The Anti-christ

Okay, I think thats a good start off to the list, you guys are probably already thinking of a bunch I didn't list.

We think we know the Bible pretty well. But not everybody realizes that many of the most iconic features of "Christianity" were never mentioned by the holy book or the church at all. Yup, about 65% of the Atheists arguments against Christianity are based on BS. Sadder still? About the same percentage is what "Christians" believe. NOTE*** not all, just a generalization to point out a lot of people calling themselves Christian, don't know what they're talking about

(Kinda like Atheists)

 

To set the mood, here's a comedic diciple of Christ, telling non-believing trolls to F*** off until they know what the Hell they're talkin' 'bout.

 Moving on. 

TRUTH section

(insert 'aha' music here

Angels

Accepted theory

  They're sparkly people with two white wings and occasionally swords, who sit on clouds ripping out awesome harp solos while protecting humans from harm.

(ridicualed by atheists and beloved by 'believers')

(So basically, the protagonists of the next Stephenie Meyer novel.)

Actually...> 

*NOTE: that is a joke. .

If angels turn out to be real,

and you encounter one,

do not shoot it in the face with a shotgun

　

archangels.
cherubim.
seraphim.

*They all look different, and very few actually have wings. Those who do, like the seraphim, actually have six wings and need all of them to cover their body, lest they blind/incinerate whoever is unlucky enough to bump into one.
*Then there are the thrones, which are described in the Bible as "wheels within wheels," the rims of which are covered in eyes.
*Then we have the cutest order of angels, the cherubim. As we all know, a cherub is a baby angel, usually with a little bow and arrow and a leaf protecting his modesty.
　

There are several kinds of angels in the Bible and you've probably heard about some of them, like

Except that Ezekiel 10:14

describes them as frightening

four-headed monstrosities

that included the faces of a man, an eagle and a lion.

　

The Devil
Satan/Beelzebub/Lucifer/the Prince of Darkness/Mr. Scratch/
Old Nick
Accepted Theory

(By EVERYONE for some reason)

Cloven hoofed, pitchfork wielding, red skinned, horned King of Hell and founder of the metal genre of music.
He's also a gambler and a businessman, willing to make bets or contracts with you and grant you wishes/musical abilities in exchange for your immortal soul.
Actually--->Not one inch of that is in the Bible. Anywhere. Not even the goatee. He is never physically described except when he visits Eve as a snake, and some think that the snake in the Garden of Eden wasn't actually Satan anyway. Other than that, he's just a disembodied ghost-voice. 
 
.

VS

Kind of like a really evil Obi-Wan Kenobi

Don't even get me started on Jesus...